Nancy Pelosi to be Appointed US Ambassador to the Sun
By Herron A Phyre (via Arch Arthur)
Friday April 6, 5:30 PM ET
Washington, DC. - Senior Bush administration sources confirm that Representative Nancy Pelosi (Dem - CA) is to be given a recess appointment as the first US Ambassador to "Solaria", a position critical to the new United Nations Universal War on Warming (UNUWW).
The San Francisco Congresswoman could not be reached for comment, but her attorney confirmed that her recent diplomatic tour Middle East made such an impact on the State Department that they consider her "uniquely qualified to be the first animal to land on the solar surface."
Apparently, the Bush administration has irrefutable evidence from NASA and the CIA that Solaria has developed enormously powerful thermonuclear weapons and is using them to warm all the planets, not just Earth.
Senator John Kerry (Dem- MA) vacationing in Davos, had this to say, "Shocked! I'm shocked and of course, the Bush administration has done nothing to reduce solar radiation. Nothing in six years! A Kerry administration would have mobilized the international community to solve this problem without delay in a thoughtful and meaningful manner that would enhance the stature of this country. Outrageous!"
Former Vice President Al Gore, exiting his black Escalade, confirmed this new discovery. "We noticed that the sun is a major factor in weather here on earth. Tipper told me yesterday that solar radiation accounts for most of the heat the tropics, where many poor, third world countries are located. It's criminal the way these people are being abused. And, it isn't just Earth. It's our entire solar system. We intend to demand that Congress reclassify solar radiation as a greenhouse gas."
NASA has confirmed that Pelosi refused the VIP space shuttle course.
"It's going to be an automated mission, similar to the Galileo Spacecraft," explained Mission Director Dash Riprock. "She'll be aboard as payload. Once the shuttle has achieved earth orbit, she will move into the 'Warmie One' spacecraft. Mission payload specialist will use the manipulator, correction, 'articulator' arm to erect, correction, 'verticalize' Warmie prior to main engine ignition. We have recently been given a new Congressionally mandated NASA lexicon and I'm still adapting to the nomenclature."
We asked about the compact size of Warmie.
"Shuttle volume is a premium. We plan to use kinetic energy and gravitational acceleration to propel Warmie so we don't need much fuel. We'll slingshot off Earth, use Venus gravitation to accelerate and turn the corner with plenty of energy to reach the Sun. As for consumables, the Speaker is not a very big person," Riprock noted, "and she doesn't eat much. We recycle solid and liquid human waste and reclaim oxygen. The one modification was for 12 gallons of eye drops. She blinks a lot. As for communication, she will not need a voice receiver, just a transmitter."
We asked Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee Representative John Murtha (Dem PA) what we could do if diplomacy fails.
"We will back the Speaker up with military might," replied Murtha, "but we do not plan to put our troops in harm's way. We'll deploy them to a nearby location either Venus or Mercury, I forget which ever is closer."
We asked Chairman Murtha what weapons could be effective on the sun.
"All of them including nukes." He continued, "If only the Bush administration had faced up to this responsibility sooner, we would have had it over with by now."
Pointing out that the sun is a nuclear furnace with flares in trillions of megatons, we questioned the viability of nuclear weapons. To which the Congressman replied, "We did not start this fight and we will do everything we can to avoid violence, but it appears that Solaria is already heating the earth. We have no intention of turning the other cheek."
We called the Office of the Vice President and asked an unnamed senior official how State Department convinced Pelosi to accept this position.
Speaking on condition of anonymity he told us, "Our first choice was Rosie O'Donald, but she was too big for Warmie. Madeline Albright, Hillary and Barbara Boxer all turned it down. Schumer wanted five microphones and five transmitters.
"Pelosi worked it out as part of a plea bargain. We dropped the felony Logan Act violation and she took it. We had to do a recess appointment because we knew we could never get her confirmed by the Senate."
NASA plans to launch Warmie One on July 4th, 2007.